Season 4, Episode 5
LEZ GIRLS
aka. 'Life's a pretentious bitch coming for dinner'
*Max takes a good, long look at himself and discovers he has tits. Is not pleased*
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*cue: opening titles and the bouncing kangaroos: dam-dam-dam-dam-dam...*
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Over at Henry's house:
Hazel das nanny: Guten tag, Anghus!
Angus: Ehr, hi. Here's Angelica. She's in a pissy mood.
Hazel: Ja, ja. Angelica, mein littul chopschtick, go play with tze Mikey!
Angelica: *escapes the two scary adults*
Angus: ... *about to leave*
Hazel: Having ein bad day, mein herr?
Angus: I'm old, useless and desperate! And my band dumped me! *whiiiiine*
Hazel: Nein! What to do? Oh, I know! Let's stay und give Hazul guitar lessons, zat should be enuff prelude to a f*ck. Commen sie here! *drags Angus into the house*
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CAL campus:
Tom: *chatting to boytoy material*
Bette: Well, well. Jodi. U know Tom's flirting his ass off?
Jodi: Are you still f*cking Nadia?
Bette: Excuse me!?!
Jodi: *signs: Tom, u lame Casanova, get yer ass over here! So, is she still banging that psych case?*
Tom: Sorry, Jodi! So, Bette, are you still f*cking Nadia?
Bette: You are waaaay out of line, bub.
Jodi: I've got some experience in that dpt, u know. Had this young student who did everything for me, I f*cked her and she did all my chores. Then she made my body her senior thesis...
Tom: I TOLD her Brittany was a huuuuuge mistake.
Jodi: *whine* She made my tits look small! Do they look small to you, huh!!? *points to her breasts*
Bette: Ehr...
Jodi: *still holding her hands by her boobs*
Bette: Anyway, there were no repercussions. Thank gods.
Jodi: Aaaaah, aren't you the careful one? Not too careful, I hope... *hint, hint* *wink, wink* *wanders off*
Bette: ...
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Lindsey the vet's office:
Lindsey: Debbie. Sounder's in ridiculous amounts of pain right now, so I'm gonna put her to sleep.
Jenny: U sure? *peeking at Lindsey through swollen eyes (a state caused by allergy shock)*
Lindsey: Yeah. Wouldn't want her to suffer. *picks out the biggest needle she can find*
Jenny: Are you really, really sure? *SNEEZE* Poor Sneider.
Lindsey: Hiya, Soundy. This might sting a little bit, darlin'... (Doctor speak for: this'll hurt like hell.)
Jenny: *SNEEZE*
Dog: *shivers*
Lindsey: *humanely euthanizes the dog*
Jenny: *SNEEZE* Bye, Sinbad.
Lindsey: Don't cry, you gave her a good life!
Jenny: No I didn't. *realizing she's a dog killer w. low morals*
Lindsey: U did. So, wanna go out and mourn?
Jenny: Yeah! *excited*
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Back at the crib of normativity, aka Henry's house:
Angus: So you go like 'strum, strum, strum... it's kinda dumb - but fuuuun'.
Hazel: Ah, you are brilliant, herr Anghus.
Angus: Well, as long as you keep doing that up-and-down with your hand thing-
Hazel: Hazul ist very competent in that up-and-down movement, mein herr. Ist there anything else I should remember?
Angus: Ehr... the hip bone's connected to the back bone?
Hazel: I'm familiar with tze swaying of hips und das scratching on backs.
Angus: That wasn't-
Hazel: Take of das pants, ja! Hazel will now kneel for you, puny littul man!
Angus: *stupid smile on face*
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Meanwhile, at The Planet:
Shane: *digs, hums to the beat* Hey, this is good sh*t, Kit!
Kit: Ya think?
Shane: Uh-huh.
Kit: Cool! I haven't played it for Angus yet. He's still depressed and aloof.
Shay: I wanna listen.
Kit: No, baby Shane. This sh*t ain't for u too hear. Nasty words, dig?
Shane: Drop the fork, little dude. I saw you scratching yerself under that cast.
Papi: Yo, Vanilla! F*cking bitch, whazzup!!? *and flirts with Kit*
Shane: Oh, look. It's the ladykiller of season 4! New hat today?
Papi: Our basketball shinding was interrupted, I want a re-match to prove my athletic prowess, u pussy!
Shane: You've lost me, Pops.
Papi: You are the black hole in my effin solar system.
Shane: Riiiiiiight.
Kit: WTF???
Papi: Ehr... *lost her groove* Just f*cking kidding, man!!! *nervous laugh*
Shane: Whatever.
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Alice's apartment:
Helena: *cooking*
Phyllis: *horny*
Alice: *just wants to run away*
Helena: So we've got snacks, fancy snacks and posher-than-life snacks and-
Phyllis: That's GREAT, Helena! So, Alice? Wanna f*ck?
Alice: You need any help with this, Helena? I'm a gooood chopper? *hopeful*
Helena: Well, I could use some he-
Phyllis: Off to our lair of sweatdrippingly hot sex, my dear!
Alice: !!! (heeeeelp!)
Alice's bedroom:
Phyllis: *throws Alice on the bed*
Alice: Whoa! Cool it, Phyl! Eeeeasy...
Phyllis: Oh, you know I am! Here! I bought you a present! *throws it on Alice*
Alice: Again!?! Wonder what it is this time. I'm sooo excited. *unwraps present*
Phyllis: *huge smile*
Alice: 'Claire of the Moon'?
Phyllis: I thought we could reenact all the hot sex scenes!
Alice: What hot sex scenes?
Phyllis: Oh, Alice! We are binary stars orbiting a central system of mass, bound by gravity!
Alice: Ooo-kay. *starts thinking about using the fire escape*
Phyllis: You're the only woman for me, oh irreplacable one! Woof, woof! *kissy, kissy*
Alice: ...
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The dinner awkward:
Jenny: So, did anything traumatic happen to you as a child?
Lindsey: I don't believe in forcing your issues down somebody else's throat. False sympathy sucks.
Jenny: If horrible shit happens, you get stronger. You are sexy and have nice tits, kiss me!
Lindsey: I have a girlfriend! She's a writer and I support her.
Jenny: Screw her! She's not the only self-obssessed sorry piece of pretentious ass in this show. I'm the effin' queen of artistic misery: kiss me!
Lindsey: No.
Jenny: Fine. Have it your way, I hope you're happy. *pout*
Lindsey: I am, she's coming up this weekend. So what're you doing for the weekend?
Jenny: I'm terribly distraught about the dog, I'm gonna do some schoolwork.
Lindsey: You're in school? Studying what?
Jenny: The gentle, graceful Manatees.
Lindsey: *LOL*
L Word fans: *ROTFLTFAO*
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The house of Henry:
Tina: Duck!
Henry: F*ck!
*they both watch Angus and Hazel grope, lick, kiss and make out... you know -all those things LESBIANS used to do on this show*
Tina: She is SO fired!!!
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Magazine stand:
Shay: *choosing between The Incredible HULK and Barbie comics*
Bette: Hey, Shane! What're u guys doing here?
Shane: He has a playdate with his friend.
Bette: I thought playdates were your thing, not his...
Shane: Whatever. Hey, Jenny's got a story in The New Yorker!
Bette: Has she now? I'll buy the crap and read it later. 'Lez Girls'? Oh my, we're creative today! C ya later, byeee!
Shane: C'mon, Shay. *heads off in playdate direction*
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Office of Max:
*ironically, this office gets bigger every time we see it*
Max: *writing letter of resignation, thinking he's doomed*
Mr Boss man: Hiya, Max. Everything ok?
Max: Heh. I didn't do anything, I swear! I was just being honest and-
Mr Boss man: Brooke's a promiscuous little thing, I'm beginning to lose hope in her ever having a quiet, normative sex life.
Max: ???
Mr Boss man: Btw, your job's not in danger. *walks out*
Max: *releasing a huuuuuuuuge burst of air* Whew!
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Paige the amazon's house:
Jared: Mom, do not put on that frilly little number, 'k? *kills hordes of monsters in his FPS game*
Paige: *puts on that frilly little number*
RRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
Paige: Hi, Shay! *husky voice* Hellooo, Shane...
Shane: Hey.
Jared: Yo, Shay! Let's kill stuff!
Shay: *runs to Jared's room*
Shane: So... I should get to work.
Paige: NO! Ehr, I mean; no, come in for some coffe? *please - please - please???*
Shane: ... Aight. *walks in*
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The luncheon of lovers past:
Tina: Thanx for meeting me.
Bette: Anytime. So, whazzup?
Tina: Angus is boinking Hazel the nanny.
Bette: Nuh-uh, he isn't! He's like SO committed to Kit, he's having sympathy cramps when she's got her period for crying out loud.
Tina: I'm telling you he is.
Bette: He's not.
Waiter: What'll it b-
Bette and Tina: COBB SALAD, MORON!
Waiter: *stunned*
Bette and Tina: *embarrassed glances at each other*
Bette: Ehr, and energy drinks or lager or something.
Waiter: *leaves*
Tina: You gotta tell her!
Bette: No!
Tina: I remember when someone I know had this affair.......
Bette: Ok, ok! But don't say a WORD to Kit before I decide what to do!
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The apartment of Alice the binary star orbiting a central system of mass:
Helena: *cooking*
Alice: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Jenny's written a f*cking piece of shitty tacky snuff! Listen to this: 'Elise, the fashion addict had a hard time deciding between Lana the tennis player and Giza the male lesby-thesbian'.
Helena: It's just fiction, Alice.
Alice: And Jessie moves out to L.A. to live with her ex Todd, and their neighbours are called Bev and Nina. Btw, Nina is a bicurious straight girl wasting Bev's time trying out a gay identity like it's the latest trend!
Helena: Pure fiction.
Alice: 'Elena, the tall bleak british heiress lost both her money and sexual allure when her mother Getty HowDoody cut her off-'
Helena: Now that's just plain evil!!!
Alice: I know! *eats snacks* These are good!
Helena: Hey, your girlfriend's gonna rip my head off if u eat all the stuff!
Alice: She's so not my girlfriend. *shudder* *eats a cream puff*
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Playdating:
Paige: You've done a great job under the really intense circumstances. Cream or sugar?
Shane: Cream. (Duh!)
Paige: Me, I try my best too, doing boring work daytime and being a foxy gogo danc- ehr, BARTENDER at nights. Poor Jared, his dad's a deadbeat and I'm never f*cking another man again. Hey, are you hitting on me???
Shane: Wtf-ehr-um, I mean. Hm, no I wasn't.
Paige: Damn!
Shane: ...
*kiss hanging in the air*
Jared: MOM!
L word fans: F*CK!!!
Shane: I'm gonna go. This coffe was great. *Did she even have some?*
Paige: Let's do this again?
Shane: Yeah.
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Phyllis' mansion of straight splendor:
Helena: *cooking*
Leonard: Hi. *eats cheese puff* Hey, these are good!
Phyllis: Leonard! Don't touch the goodies!!! *walks out of the room to call her lesbian lover*
Helena: She's intense.
Leonard: Yeah, but you should've seen her when she was younger and the president of f*cking everything! Mmm, these snacks are great! Just holler if u need anything, ok?
Helena: *strained smile, stressed as hell*
In another part of the house:
Phyllis: Alice, where are you? I miss you. I can't live without you. I love you. Call me. *click*
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The house of friends and lovers lost, aka Jenny's house:
Alice: Ready to party?
Shane: Yup. Jenny, u ready?
Jenny: I'm just gonna eat this lesser than healthy cup of slimy jelly bears and then pee and then I'll be ready.
Alice: If she's going, I'm not going.
Shane: Wtf?
Alice: Did you read her 'story' in The New Yorker? We're bloody in it!
Shane: ...
Jenny: It's fiction, Alice.
Alice: Why not call me 'Elise, the bisexual fashion victim'? Btw, Shane. Your name is Shawn, the make-up artist who's f*cking everybody.
Shane: *looks kinda proud of herself*
Jenny: Well, thank you so very much for recognizing my immense talent and the fact I'm being published in The New Yorker and my stellar syntax and accomplished scenarios.
Alice: It's mut featuring us.
Jenny: It's fiction. Tell her, Max.
Max: *looks up* She CLAIMS it's not you. *cough, cough* Bullshit! *settles back to read about Dax, the trans guy*
Jenny: Let me tell you about writing, Alice. As the omnipotent, fabulous master I am of this artistic task-
Alice: A lesson in writing? From Jenny Schecter??? Wow, get me a f*cking pen!
Jenny: I am like Monet, who speaks in my ear telling me he got inspired and painted water lillies. *snort*
Alice: Whoa, and now he's telling ME that you shouldn't EVER f*cking compare yourself to him. *growl*
*each throw the other the look of death*
L Word fans: We love u, Alice!!!
Shane: Can we go now?
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Phyllis' party:
Financier dude 1: Heheheh, and so I said 'babe, you'd better pick your cheerleading uniform off the floor'!
Financier dude 2: WAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
Jodi: How enlightening. And which changes do you assume the art department will be going through this following semester?
Financier dude 1: *spots some very young women* Ehr, nice to meet ya. Gotta go.
Financier dude 2: *to Tom, articulates with utmost care* Nice to meet you, Don.
Tom: I'm Tom, the one that's not deaf.
Financier dude 2: Oh. And you?-
Jodi: I'm Jodi, and I'm deaf.
Financier: Right, right... *goes for the babes*
Tom: *signs: Whoa, look at that minx eh, Jodi? Sizzling mama!*
Jodi: *signs: Mmm, I agree. Sh*t, she's walking this way! Look spiritual and engaged!*
Bette: My, my. You clean up nice!
Jodi: Can't say the same for you. *signs: Holy crap, she's hot!*
Bette: *hmpf!* Hi, Tom! Nice to see you!
Tom: Likewise. *signs: Smooth-talk your way outta that one, oh silver-tongued one!*
Bette: Ah, Jodi. You were insulting me?
Jodi: Nonono. I mean; you're just so clean all the time. But hey -this party's boring and the dirtbag financiers suck, wanna smoke pot?
Bette: I dunno.
Tom: *giggles* Yay, job perks!
Jodi: C'mon dean Porter, let's get naughty! *drags Bette out of the mansion*
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Partying:
Alice: *bicker*
Jenny: *bicker*
Alice: Bitch!
Jenny: Foul creature!
Shane: *drinks her beer*
Papi: Vanilla! Hola, chicas, this is my homegirl Tasha! Yo, what're ya drinking babes?
Tasha: I can buy my own drink.
Papi: Sha-sure. This is the 'welcome back to the world' party for Tasha, chicas. She's been gone a loooong time in the dry desert of-
Tasha: Shut it, Papi. I'm gonna go smoke. *walks off*
Alice: Who is she? She seems mad? *intrigued*
Papi: Naw, she's cool, man.
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Smoke on the (pool)water:
Bette, Jodi and Tom: *giggle*
Bette: *inhales like her life depended on it* This stuff is gooood.
Tom: She knows what she's doing, man...
Jodi: *huffs* *puffs* *smoooooke* Mmm.
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Back at the club, the party's still going strong:
Shane: *watching girl who's flaunting her assets*
Girl: Hi, r u watching me?
Shane: Yup.
Girl: I'm Ruby, who're you?
Shane: Shane.
Girl: Cool name! So, you wanna go f-
Papi: Vanilla! Whoa, hey chica, who're you? Ruby? Such a nice red HOT stone, the same birthstone as my tiny baby cousin. Family matters! Oh, you would look like the madonna and the child with a baby in your arms. Mucho stunning, baby!
Shane: *amused*
Girl: I have a baby cousin! You think I'm pretty?
Papi: Siiiiiii.
Shane: Merry X-mas, Pops. Heh! Btw; cute hat. *leaves the latina Casanova egoistica*
Papi: Oh, did I interrupt anything, I wouldn't want to-
Girl: Teehee. No, you didn't! *admires Papi's sorry excuse for a hat*
Papi: Dance?
Girl: Squuuueeeeeeeeeal!!! *bouncing back towards the dance floor*
Papi: Ah. Who's your daddy? *thinks she's all that*
By the bar:
Jenny: F*CK! It's vagina wig!
Alice: Va-who?
Jenny: M-E-R-K-I-N! F*ck, she mustn't see me.
Stacey: F*ck! It's baby ribs!
Lindsey: Who?
Stacey: Jenny Schecter, come on, I do NOT want her to see me!
Alice: Where is she?
Shane: Merkin-where?
Jenny: Over there, with the blonde...
Lindsey: It's Debbie!
Stacey: WTF? Who's Debbie!?!
Lindsey: Her dog was my patient, c'mon, I want to introduce you!
Jenny: SH*T! Quick, kiss me! KISS ME, DAMMIT!!!
Alice: Nuh-uh. No way, baby ribs.
Jenny: I'll buy you Starbucks for a week and write you like a lesbianish ladykiller instead! Please!!! On three. One, two-
Alice: Yeah, yeah-
Jenny: *forces herself upon Alice* SCCCCHLLLLLLUUURRRRRRRRRRPP!
Alice: !!!!?!?!??!?!??!?!!?!!!!!!!!!!
Shane: *horrified gasp*
Lindsey: *looks flustered and kinda hurt, though God knows why*
Shane: *starts retching*
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Back at the Kroll mansion:
Helena: ...and the languid moans of pain from the stockbrokers was excruciating-
Waiter dude: Ehr, the kitchen's on fire.
Helena: WHAT!!!!?????? *takes off running*
In the kitchen:
Helena: Bloody hell! Sheit!!! Damn, damn, damn!!! *takes out the pan of burning goodies, collides with waiter dude and there's glass all over the table* BLOODY DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!
Waiter dude: ...
Helena: They can't eat glass! What should I do!?! I'd better call Alice.
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Alice is cruising:
Alice: Sooo, how long have you known Papi?
Tasha: Five years.
Alice: Wow, how did you guys meet?
Tasha: Hanging out.
Alice: You like doing that sort of thing?
Tasha: It's alright.
Alice: ...
Tasha: I've got a bike.
Alice: That is SO cooool! I have a new obssession with them, always dreamed of having one, u know. How fast does she go?
Tasha: 120.
Alice: A hundred and twenty? Miles an hour? Damn, that's fast!
Tasha: Ride sometime?
Alice: I'd love to! *bright smile*
Tasha: *smiles too*
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Alice: F*ck, my cellphone. Sorry! Hello? Helena? What???
At the mansion:
Helena: *freaking out, needs terribly expensive caviar*
Alice: *on her way*
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I can fly hiiiigher than an eaaaaagleeeee:
Bette: This party is da bomb! Heehee! *snort, giggle* *throaty laugh*
Jodi: *hums* Mmm, you're so naughty, dean Porter!
Bette: You have no idea, gimme the joint.
Tom: Whoa, the impenetrable ice queen takes a hit!
Jodi: *stoned out of her mind, silly smile*
Bette: That's so f*cked up, man!
L Word fans: Yeah, leave them alone so we can get some sex, Tommy boy!
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Meanwhile, back at the bat ca- ehr, the mansion:
Leonard: Mmmm!!! This stuff's glorious! You gotta cater for me sometime, Helena!
Phyllis: Don't be silly. She's mine. *purr, purr*
Alice: Ya need anything more, Helena, or...
Phyllis: Alice!
Leonard: Hi, Alice! I'm Leonard! Cute hat!
Alice: *smiles* Ya think?
Leonard: Love it!
Alice: Wow, is this you two I see on this embarrassing, badly photoshopped pic where your faces have two different colors?
Leonard: Yeah. *remembers, smiles*
Phyllis: *strained smile, pale complexion*
Alice: Anyway. Bye, bye, Leo. Nice to meet ya!
Leonard: Bye! *to Phyllis* Cute girl.
Phyllis: *follows Alice*
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Back at Stoned-henge:
Bette: And so we were at this yacht and this senator with a dick the size of a peanut comes in and wants to have sex with us and Tina dives under the covers! Heeheehee!
Jodi: Cool story, stupid man. Wanna play shotgun?
Tom: Nah, she doesn't even know what that is!
Bette: Wanna bet?
*lots of smoke passing between mouths, lips getting closer and closer...*
L Word fans: JUST F*CKING KISS EACH OTHER, ALREADY!!!
Phyllis: Alice, wait!
Bette and Jodi: *hides*
Phyllis: Alice, we never... fuck, ok? We live in a sexless marriage. It's not like when I'm with YOU!
Jodi: *signs: who is that other person*
Tom: WH-
Bette: *makes the universal sign for STFU*
Alice: Look, I never imagined the husband and kids thing. This isn't right, it'll never ever work and I'm dumping you here and now. Let go of my hands, dammit!
Phyllis: Alice!!!
Alice: Let. Go. Of. My. Hands.
Phyllis: *lets go* Bu-
Alice: *leaves*
Phyllis: I love you!
*silence*
Bette: *still stoned, but probably thinking of all the complications that will now ensue*
*OH, DRAMA!*
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