Season 4, Episode 4
LAYUP
aka. 'Let's use sports as an excuse to humiliate one another'

 

The place where everything funny happens, aka. Alice's bedroom: Alice: To the left, nono, MY left-right-OH! Magic circles! Magic ci- ooooh, teeeeeeth! F*CKF*CKF*CK!!! Phyllis: *BG, looks like she definitely just ate the canary* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ *the title song comes on, and I try to stop thinking of tiny kangaroos merrily bouncing down the street* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ We're still in Alice's bedroom: Alice: ... Phyllis: So, did you come? Alice: Well, duh! Phyllis: This is good and fun, I love it! I wanna be the aggressor! *groaaaar!* Alice: *giggle* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The house where all people go to die artistically... Jenny's house: Shay: *hands Shane a note* Shane: *mumble, mumble* Back to school night??? I dunno, Shay... Shay: *throws Shane his best 'lost puppy' eyes* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, at the animal shelter: Animal-luvin' woman: This is Sounder. I think it's SO nice of you to take care of dying animals, Debbie! 'Debbie' aka Jenny: I watch Animal Cops Houston all the time! It really inspired me to do this. Dog: *barf* Animal-luvin' woman: She likes you! Jenny: Lovely! Gimme the leach. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Coffe Talk: Papi: I've never been turned down by a chica, well, once. My mami's best friend. But I f*cked her later, when I was legal. Alice: I can relate to that older woman thing. Papi: Si? Alice: She was totally awesome and twice my age! I dunno, I just feel like fucking anything that moves right now. Papi: Been there, done that. Alice: My bed's the center of diversity: married women, lesbian men, vampires, drug lords... I'm picky and keep it in my pants. Papi: I don't. *eyes girl* Alice: No kidding. *starts to tape the conversation* So, where do you meet girls? Papi: Sh*t man, at the basketball court. Fit, sweaty women everywhere with nice, bouncing assets. Alice: Really? Me and my friends could make a little team. Papi: Wanna challenge Papi and her crew? Papi's gonna kick your fancy bourgie-ass. Alice: You're so f*cking on! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Over at CAL: Phyllis: *cruising the halls of CAL* Bette: Phyllis- Phyllis: Bette! *energetic* How are you on this life-altering day? Bette: Fine. I'm meeting conservative dude Skip Connolly and need pointers. Phyllis: Wear effin silk gloves and kiss his ass. Bette: I thought I'd show him the grounds, give an inspiring lecture and swing by Jodie Lerner for some last minute pretentious fraternisation. You like? Phyllis: Whatever. Good luck. Oh, meet me for lunch so we can gossip like schoolgirls! I made Our Chart! *wheeeee* I'm a REAL lesbian! Bette: *stunned* *just smiles* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lounge of Kit: Angus: *whines* I'M OLD! Kit: I'm older. Go play your guitar, sweetie. Angus: I don't wanna. *pout* Kit: You have to, I'm gonna record that crappy song you wrote me and btw, it smells like a duet to me! Angus: You want me to sing? With you? Kit: Sure!!! Go and rehearse now! Angus: Yeah, yeah. I'm going. *mope, mope* *drags his ass out the door* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Where the conversation's being flushed down the bog: Alice: -And she's challenged us to a duel!!! You gotta come, Shane! *pause* Alice: Yeah, I'm taking a dump. Don't complain! You can't smell it over the phone. Hm, where's the toilet paper?... *pause* Alice: She's bragging and making fun of us! We have to defend hour honor! Just play the game, okay? Ok, byyyyeee! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The studio of Jodi: Bette: *totally giddy* *taps Jodi on the shoulder* Jodi: *turns around with drill in hand, raised as a weapon* Both: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Bette: *starts babbling apologies* Interpreter dude: She wants you to stay put and look at her. So she can read your lips. Bette: Oh, sorry. *starts talking to the interpretor* Hi, I'm Bette Porter and I looooooooooooooooooove your art! Jodi: Talk to me, not to him. Bette: Anyway. It's so FRESH, PROVOCATIVE and INTREPID! *articulates waaay too much, then starts walking around, babbling* Jodi: *signs: Gee, who is this idiot?* Interpreter dude: *signs: dunno, but she's hot!* She says it's a pleasure to meet you! Jodi: *signs: I SO did not!* Bette: Anyway, I'm bringing this mega-big donor here later so could you remove anything that could be the slightest bit offensive? Jodi: *signs: You're in the wrong business, lady! Great art is always either offensive or impossible to understand!* Interpreter dude: Which piece did you have in mind? Bette: Well, that enormous, crude and controversial sculpture by your brightest student, of course! *apologetic smile* Jodi: Ah. Keep it in a corner 'til the donor's doned, huh? Bette: Wonderful! I KNEW we would get along! C ya! *walks off with a big smile on her lips* Interpreter dude: *signs: A little slow on the uptake, but damn, what a gorgeous figure!* Jodi: Oh, shut up! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the car of Jenny Schecter: *infomercial. kids - don't have a dog on your lap and drive, ok?* Jenny: *SNEEZE* F*ck! I'm SO allergic to you, Snoutplug! *and in the middle of all this she's on her cellphone.* Jenny: Yeah, hello? I've got a sick dog, it's an emergency and I really-really-really need to see Lindsey whats-her-name ASAP! My name? *SNEEZE* Debbie... Debbie No'braincelles. She'll see me? Great! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Luncheon with Max: Brooke: You're so great, Max. You don't pressure me for sex like all those other guys! Max: Look, Brooke. I'm crazy about you and you're so darn special to me. I have to tell you everything this very instant! Brooke: Okay! Are you an escaped convict, bad boy? Max: Ehr... I've always felt like a guy and now I'm physically becoming one. I was born a girl and kinda still have a woman's body. Brooke: FREAK! I don't date freaks! Freak! *juuuust a pitch louder* F*cking FREAK!!! *practically flies out the restaurant doors* Max: *crushed* Ok... that went well. Not. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back at CAL, on the tour of a lifetime: Bette: And this is Jodi Lerner, our brilliant new resident here. And her assistant Tom. Interpreter dude: Interpreter. Bette: Whatever. Skip - Jodi. Jodi: Feel free to look around and see the work of hour gifted students! I bet it will be stimulating. Interpreter dude: *signs: The only way this'll be more stimulating is if somebody pokes that stick in his ass.* Jodi: *signs: Temper, temper.* Bette: *discovers 'that enormous, crude and controversial sculpture' on full display* *GASP* Skip: What-is-this!?!?... Jodi: Brilliant, isn't it? It's called 'The Unathorized Abortion of W'. Some of the best student works I've ever seen. Skip: It's an abomination! Such an abuse of university funds! Bette: But shouldn't all young artists be allowed to grow in a safe haven such as this before they've fully developed their respective potential- Skip: Treachery! Treachery! Bette: But- Skip: And that's final! No bucks from me!!! *storms off* *silence* Jodi: Leave him alone and preach later! Give him the usual 'even the Impressionists'-speech. Bette: You blew the donation and are telling ME how to do my job? F*cking priceless. *walks away* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Over at Lindsey the vet's: Gay dude 1: This is Molly, she swallowed a whole box of donuts! Gay dude 2: How could u, Todd!?! How could you!!! Gay dude 1: I turned around for a second, Tad! Oh, poor pookie! Gay dude 2: We love you, Molly-wiggles! Molly: *heartwrenchingly desperate little doggie whimpers* *they roll her off for ER care* Lindsey the vet: Debbie... No'braincelles? Jenny: Huh? Yeah, that's me. And this is Schnauzer. *SNEEZE* Lindsey: If you'll follow me, please. Examination room: Lindsey the vet: Wow. That's one old dog! Jenny: Eleven years, I've raised her from a puppy and all my fifty old gfs visit her every day, bringing cookies. *SNEEZE* Right, Sausage? Lindsey the vet: Well, there's nothing wrong with her except the fact that she's old. U know it's coming, right? Jenny: Yeah. *SNEEZE, eyes starts watering* Lindsey the vet: Here, have a kleenex. Take the whole box. Jenny: Thanx. *sniff* We're family! Lindsey the vet: I know the feeling. *shows Jenny photo of herself, Stacey the vagina wig and their not-so-fluffy dog Sparky* This is my family. Jenny: Niiice family, doc. (And I'm not stalking anyone. Seriously! Yeah, right...) *SNEEZE* *unfortunately, there was nothing they could do for Sounder, who eventually had to be humanely euthanized* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Alice, Helena and a wicker basket: Alice: Ok, shooting is like drying your nails. Helena: *misses* Alice: No. No, not like that. You tip it, like this... *shows her* Helena: I need a break. Alice: Hey, we need to practice! Wanna be mangled to the ground by Papi and her stooges? Helena: I've been turned down five times today, I'm bloody knackered! Alice: Throw. The. Ball. Helena: *misses* Alice: *defeated sigh* RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING Alice: I'll get it. Helena: *throws the ball over her shoulder: in the basket* Alice: HEY! You did it! Helena: I did??? Cool! Alice: You're our secret weapon! *opens door* Oh. Hi Phyllis. Phyllis: Hellooooooooo, Alice! I bought you a gift. Alice: 'Honkytonk Man'. Phyllis: We could watch it, it'd get us in the mood! Alice: ... Phyllis: I'm having a party! Gods, I need to get a caterer. Alice: Hey, Helena's a caterer. Helena: ??? Alice: New biz, juuuust starting up! Phyllis: Excellent! I'll call you, Helena! Bye, sweetie pie! Alice: *heh* Bye, Phyl. *closes the door* Helena: O-oookay - A) what did you just get me into, and B) is that eloquent, sophisticated woman responsible for the animalistic grunts I've been hearing from your bedroom lately? Alice: *heheheh* A-yup. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The house of B: German nanny: Hello, mein herr Anghus. I am Hazel. Where ist das Angelica? Angus: Uh, she's in her room. German nanny: Oh, aren't you tze littul treat, mein gourgeuss sex-poodle? Angus: Ehr- German nanny: Tina told me you play tze guitar in tze band. Want to teach me ein chord or zwei? Angus: I hardly ever play, and I'm old and useless. German nanny: Ah, nein-nein-nein. You are not useless, herr Anghus - I'd liebe for you to play me like you do tze guitar. Angus: Ehr... I'll. Just. Go. And. Get. Angelica. For. You. *escapes freulein nanny* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, on the shoe-shopping turf of the L ladies: Kit: ARE these really a size nine? Seems like a seven and a half to me. Shop assistant: Maybe you should get a size ten so your toes can breathe. Kit: Naw, I have no probs, li'l boy. Hell, help me! Helena: 'K, Kit. *starts to force Kit's feet into the shoes* Kit: *whimper* Jenny, u smell like deadbeat dog, girl! Jenny: Oh, it's nothing. Just went to the gym. Shane: *sniff, sniff* In what basement? Alice: The bourgie-ass girls are ready for action! Helena: Ok, explain bourgie-ass to me. I don't get it, despite my ridiculously expensive education and being (once) a part of the ruling class myself. Kit: Nuh-uh. Not bourgie-ass; bourgeoisie - the upper crust. Helena: (I knew that!) *push, push* *force, force* Kit: OW! I told ya; fits like a glove! Shane: Yeah, whatever. Let's pay. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Classroom: Bette: And this multitude of colors can not only represent that which we see, the emotional and yet mundane, but also the- Nadia: Tell them what you told me last night, Bette! Bette: -ehr...the kaleidoscope of yesteryear and floating dreams. Perspectives that- Nadia: Oh, you're so smart, Bette! And the influence was- tell them, it was so clever! Bette: Anyway, time's up. Go ponder about Jeanette Winterson, warm colors and c ya next week. Nadia, a word with you? *everybody leaves* Nadia: *bounce, bounce* Sure, Bette! But I want more than a word. *hint, hint* *flirt, flirt* Bette: Look, this 'thing' we did was wrong and will never happen again. Capiche? Nadia: I understand that you want me as much as I want you! Bette: Never. Again. Nadia: Fine. Wanna f*ck? Bette: I will have to take disciplinary action. Nadia: Spank me, spank me! Bette: I'm deadly serious here; it's O-V-E-R! Stop bugging me or stand before the school's board of directors. I'll be happy to face all consequences. Nadia: I understand, dean Porter. Sorry. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Shay's school: *parents are giggling and pointing at Shane, who hovers by the chalkboard trying to be scarce* T-X, aka Paige: Nevermind them, they're just pesky degenerates. Having kids retard some people. I'm Paige, Jared's mom. Shane: Shane. I'm here for my little brother Shay, the kid who doesn't say a thing like ever. Paige: Well, that's ten-year-old boys for ya. Jared just grunts whenever he wants new skateboard stuff. Shane: He likes skateboarding? You should take him to my job, we've got a halfpipe out back and lots of snazzy boards for sale. Paige: We... should make a play date sometime. *enticing smile* Shane: Yeah, deinitely. *BG* Teacher: Hi, I'm Shay's teacher. He's doing fine but should get involved in some outdoorsie activities or hobbies. Shane: Whoa, I don't know anything about anything. I'm kinda filling in just now, u know? Teacher: Let me show you something. *drags Shane over to the bulletin board sporting dozens of family drawings* Shane: Hey, that's me! Cool. *looks at cute pic of Shay and her holding hands* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The house of Bette: Bette: Do you understand the consequences of this??? You, f*cking my BOSS??? Alice: Chill, Bette. I'm just having power orgasms. Bette: This whole woman thing's new to her! You're dealing with a married, twice-your-age soccer mom and academic big fish, for cripe's sake! Alice: Whoa, this must be getting to you. Your vocabulary's starting to hit rock bottom, Bette. Relax! I gotta tell you, though; she ate me out like a pro- Bette: Oh no you don't! LALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I can't heaaaaaar youuuuuu!!! Alice: Yo, 'nuff with the 'hands over ears' business! I wanna talk about basketball business instead. U comin'? Bette: I dunno, Alice... I've got a ton of papers to grade, review and a budget to plan and a donor's ass to kiss... Alice: Heh. Be like that. I'll just order Phyllis to let you come out and play. Hm? Gee, this is fun! I get to hold power over Bossy Bette. Yay me! Bette: Ok, ok. I'm in. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Finally, at the basketball game with a capital 'G': Papi: Where are they? *somebody points* *the whole L gang walks up to them, wearing freshly pressed shirts with each player's name on the back - and the compulsory accessories, bling-bling and stuff* Tina: Guys! Wait for meeeeee! Bette: What're YOU doing here, Tina? Tina: I decided to play. Jenny: This is a lesbian game, Tina. Tina: But what if I still identify as one? Jenny: You're so straight!!! Tina: Lesbian's a political identity! Jenny: *bicker* Tina: *bicker* Papi: We don't care who you fuck, play w. us! GAME ON! Yup, game on: Papi: Hey, Vanilla spice! Shane: Hey, daddy-o. *game starts* Papi: So, what're you doin' Rodeo Drive? Bette: Shopping, bitch! Jenny: Hey, I told you not to pass to me! I suck! *the others takes the lead* Tina: Stop f*cking fouling me! Bette: Gimme the f*cking ball, you whimp! *scores* L Team: YAAAAAAY! *the other team scores repeatedly* L Team: NOOOOOOO! Papi: Sissy-ass! Shane: Whatever, pops. Alice: *dribbles, shoots* *doesn't score* Jenny: Aaaaaaaagh! Why must there be balls in a ball game? *shields herself* Bette: BLOODY IDIOTS! Foul! FOUL! Papi: STFU, Rodeo. *the other team scores* Jenny: *smokes* Kit: F*ck my feet hurt! Bette: Pass the ball! Pass the ball! ALice! Helena! SHOOT, JENNY! Dammit, we're loosing! Jenny: Bette, you're scaring me. Papi: Yo, Brown Barbie! Stop throwing your weight around! Bette: Shut up, f*cking Carmelita Tropicana! Helena! Run for a three-pointer! Helena: *is fouled* Alice: Free throws! *heheheh* Here's our secret weapon, Papi. Not so cocky now, eh? Helena: *misses* *silence* Alice: (Do. That. Thing.) Helena: *throws the ball over her shoulder - score!* Max: Shane! Shane! Shay fell off the board!!! Shane: Shit. I better go help him. Alice: Seems like the game's off. Papi: *snort* Kit: *waving with her shoes* But we'll sweep the court with your bronzed ass then, Papi-lita! Shane: *runs to Shay* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Later, back at the Planet: Helena: Is basketball even a lesbian sport??? Everybody: DUH! Bette: The WNBA's just terrified about being associated with their core audience. Look guys, I'd really like us to get together and practice next time, ok? *so I can boss u all around* Jenny and Alice: Uh-huh. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hospital: Shay: *looks down at his cast* Shane: Five-thousand dollars for an arm?!? Receptionist: Well, yes. And another five grand for checkups and doctor's fees. Shane: Holy f*ck, where am I gonna get that kind of money??? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And we all knew it: *Shane models underwear, the crew's awfully busy and Aussie suit's freakin giddy with excitement* Aussie suit: I told you she'd be perfect!

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