Season 4, Episode 3
LASSOED
aka. 'Launching a more fast paced dyke drama...'

 

Black and white. Angsty as hell. It's the end of all ends. Yes, it IS the compulsory A Streetcar Named Desire-ripoff: Jenny: STACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY! *holler, holler* Ok. We get it; she's flippin' mad. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dean Porter's office: Nadia: Hey, where could those files be? I'd better bend over so you'll get a good look at my ass. *flaunts all bits and pieces of herself* Bette: ... Nadia: Here it is! YAY! Lookie, lookie! Found it! Wheeeee! Bette: *rubs her shoulder, looks as pained as the fans who're squirming in their seats by now* Nadia: Want a backrub? Bette: I don't think that's appropria- AAAAAAAAAAGH- Nadia: Oh, those muscles, the skin, the- Bette: I'm ok, ok? Nadia: U sure? I wanna rub soooo bad! Bette: Hm. Whatever happened to propriety and professional formalities? How about those old conferences, huh? *heh**thinking of ways to escape the situation* Nadia: Hah! Formalities my ass - nice ass, mmm? Btw, those conferences are all about the professors and TA's getting laid anyway. Bette: Ehr... That's downright indecent! Nadia: So? This is a lesbian show; the ultimate stage of indecency according to the right-wingers. I need to lay ye, hot dean Porter! Bette: Oh, look - a file! *hands it over* Nadia: *grumpy, walks off* Bette: *SEXUAL FRUSTRATION* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Taking Shay to school: Principal: So. Shane: So. Principal: Birth certificate, vaccinations, various other shots, allegies, learning disabilities, psycho tendencies or dental records? Shane: Uhm.................. no? *complete silence* Shane: So, will you let him go to school? See, I don't want him to end up in foster care, in a homeless shelter or any other tired old cliche I couldn't think of right now. I'm all he's got and that sucks. Don't make things even suckier. Principal: Is 'suckier' even a word? Shane: So, will you? Shay: *giving the principal those big puppy dog eyes* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The condo of jolly skippers, aka. Alice's apartment: Alice: *cleaning* Jenny: ...and so there I was, stalking her bony little treacherous vagina wig-wearing ass, standing on the street where I'd tracked her with my omnipotent powers of derailment. Derailed because it was THE DAMN F*CKING PERSON! It's three, four in the morning, everybody's asleep. And I go like: wooo-hoooo, Stacey you f*cking c*nt, come out and fight like the male-identified woman you are!!! And the tiny Korean lady goes: WATT R U DOING HERE! ANd I just feel so f*cking betrayed by that phonebook I spent hours flipping through... Alice: ... Jenny: That review was fundamentally dishonest and evil! Alice: Yeah, lezzies eat their own. In more ways than the obvious one. Jenny: *bitching about Stacey, her angelic-but-hypocritical saint of a gf and lots of other stuff* Alice: I met Papi. Jenny: Whoa! When? Alice: Just happened. F*cked with her in the back of a limo and then she f*cked Helena the same day. Jenny: Two ROOMMATES??? That's effin rude, man. Alice: Whatever. Hey, Helena! Helena: Huh? Alice: Your crap's cluttering my space again! Helena: Found my CV? Alice: Ce- what? Helena: My resumé, I need a job yesterday! Jenny: Didn't you go to a posh school or something? Helena: I'd be happy getting ANY job that didn't include sex or insects! Jenny: ...eh. Ok? Alice: Stop chucking your gadgets around, ok? Let's make some rules; everything you see here is mine. *marks area* My space. This is me. I am the law and goddess of tidiness. This is YOUR space. *hands Helena a cardboard box* Abide my laws and we'll be juuuust fine... RRRRRRRRRIIIING! Alice: Whazzup? Oh, hi Bette! Well, Tina and Henry are holding a- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Cut to Bette's office: Bette: She said WHAT?!? A 'mixer for our gay and our straight friends'? Oh, nonono. Nuh-uh. I'm so NOT going, even if I wasn't invited. Btw, it's Cowgrrl's night at the Planet tonight. Wanna go? Ehm, sorry. Gotta go! Phyllis: Congrats, Bette. Your negotiations prowess proved useful: we now have green light for that media research thingy you wanted so. Bette: Really? That's great, Phyllis! *polite smile* Phyllis: So what is this I hear about a Cowgrrl's night? Bette: Uhm, it's this little hayloft shinding at my sister's lesbian bar... Phyllis: LESBIAN! Oh, please, Bette! Take me with you! teach me everything you know! I've studied the chart and the philosophy. Please! *cough, cough* I mean; if it wouldn't be too much of an imposition...? Bette: *strained polite smile* Office dude: Hey, Bette! Phone! Tina! Bette: Sorry, Phyl! Gotta go, ex calling! *heh* Phyllis: *leaves the room* Bette: Tina. Uh-huh. I wasn't invited. What? No. I won't fight with you. Hey! WTF - I won't cause a scene! I'm waaaaaay over you, you- huh? Hm. Well, I can't come. Sorry. *hangs up* *looks like she's lost her best friend* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ze Holy barn, aka. The Planet: Kit: Nice job, girls! All credit to you! Angus: Yeehaw! Kit: Girls, this is my scrawny bf Angus the manny. Angus: Tsk, tsk, tsk; I'm yer scrawny 'just been offered a prosperous huge record deal with a funky label' bf! Kit: YEEEEHAAAAW! *huge hug* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At the mansion of lost souls' solitude... ehr, Jenny's house: Shane: Hi Max, Shay. So, u coming to Tina's little shinding? Max: Naw, wasn't invited. Don't give a damn, really. It's not like anybody knows me and I'd rather not. Shane: Wanna come with, Shay? You could watch a movie with Angelica and squeeky Mikey? Shay: ... Max: I'll babysit for you. We'll hang out, work on the car, grab some burgers and beer, go to Hooters and do other manly stuff. Shane: Cool. U okay w. that, Shay? Shay: ... Shane: It's settled then. Thanx, Max! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The cocktail party God forgot: Straight guy 1: Look at that one! Is she one too? Straight guy 2: Noway! Straight gal: Whoa. Straight guy 1: Are they all- Tina: Lesbians. Yup. Here, have a pitcher of tequila. Straight guy 2: I wonder who your ex is. Henry: Couldn't come. (Thank god!) Straight guy 1: WOW, who's THAT!!??? Tina: *stunned by the force of nature that is also known as Bette Porter's mojo* Bette: Hi. Tina: I thought you weren't coming? Bette: Well. Here I am. Nice crib! Tina: Well I'd remodel it if I lived here, which I DON'T. Bette: Yet. *leaves Tina* Hey, girls! Alice: Welcome to the lesbian gallery, Bette! Bette: Thanks, guys. *hug fest* Alice: We're outnumbered. S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t people are watching us. Jenny: Hiiiiiii! Mon dieu, Bette! *hug* Bette: And so the torture starts... Tina: *squeeeeeal* SHANE! Shane: Uh. Hi, Tina. Tina: I'll get you a beer!!! *runs off, leaving Shane with two creepy straight girls who match their outfits to their haircolor* Shane: ...so. Girls: ... Shane: ... *awkward* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In another part of the house: Straight gal: Nice daughter. What would you do if she says she wants to live with her dad? Tina: Not dad. We refer to the guy as the donor, or the 'bringer of that icky white stuff'. Straight guy Brad: Hey, kids have a mind of their own and I'm not being homophobic here, BUT, your parents didn't want you to be a lesbian, right? Bette: They're dead. Tina: Bette- Henry: Brad- Brad: Shut it. I'm not a homophobe, BUT it's weird the whole gay thing and I'd probably be shocked dead if my son said he was gay. Just being honest! Beefy straight guy: Hey, it's cool between women; it's hot! But the thought of two guys creeps me out. Angus: Hey, it's all cool. Just use Boy Butter TM and you're ready to go part-ay w. that dick-in-ass thang. *Kit laughs, Bette loves Angus* Bette: Honesty and homophobes. Nice party. Alice: Game time! Celebrity, anybody? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The dark recesses of Cowgirlville aka The Planet: Phyllis: *shocked, yet excited* *shocked* *excited* *scared as hell* Cowgirl: Want a drink? Phyllis: Uhm, I'm not ready yet. I think I'll just sit myself down in a corner mull over the events I've been through these last tumultuous days. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back at the cocktail party from hell: Alice: Ok, we've won already! GREAT actress, was in I Heart Huckabees... Brad: Naomi Watts! Alice: *sigh* You're thinking with the wrong head again, B-boy. C'mon! 9 to 5... came out big time in 2000, MAJOR dyke! Hello-o!!! Tina: Time! Alice: Lily Tomlin. Brad: She's NOT gay! The L Word Fans: Where have you been living these last years, you idiot?!??!?!? Straight woman: He was confused by the gay thing. Brad: Right. Shane: Ok, my turn. Le Tigre, Julie Ruin, Bikini Kill. Alternative, alternative, alternative as hell. Straight guy: ... Shane: I give up. (Recapper's straight male friend screams, incredulous: Kathleen Hanna, you stupid jerk!!! How can you not know that!) Tina: Ok, let's take a more mainstream turn. Jenny, pick a name. Jenny: ... Ehr, who's Terrel Owens? Straight guys: WTF!?!!! Straight girls: He was in this commercial with one of the Desperate Housewives. She dropped her towel for him...? Bette: This is excruciating. Let's beat it. Shane: Yeah. *they leave* Alice: Well, it's getting late and, well; bye! Tina: *looking soooo very wistful* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hi ho with the left elbow! Over to The Planet: Alice: Whew! Thank God for my little lesbian planet! Papi: Hey, chicas! Look what I've got. *two giggly chicks on each arm* Alice: Heh. Oh, look! Shane! Over here! Papi: Shane...........? *low growl* *big, camp-stylish western scene* Shane: Hey. Papi: Yer a skinny white girl. Shane: Suppose I am. Where are we? Alice: Over there. Papi: This town isn't big enough for you and Papi. Papi doesn't share. Papi is your competition! *snort* *prance, prance* *puffs out chest, trying to look cocky* Shane: Whatever, you win. Nice meeting ya. C'mon, Al. In the toilet line: Jenny: *waiting* Random lesbian: Schecter, Some of Her Parts. Sucks ass. Jenny: What? How do you know? Random lesbian: Read it in Curve, and if it's in Curve it's true. Jenny: *grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...* At the L Word gang's table: Bette: Holy f*ck! Alice: What? Bette: It's my boss! 'K, short story - married for 25 years with kids, big house, the lot! Comes out to me in her office, and wants to do the lesbian thing after years and years of repressed longing, angst and lust. Please, please, pretty please (with sugar on top) be nice to her, even though she's probably the last living dinosaur lesbian. *big smile* HIIII! Phyllis! Phyllis: I've been sitting in the back feeling weird. Bette: Be weird no longer - you're with friends! This is Shane, Jen, Alice- Phyllis: ALICE! Bette: -and Helena... *slightly strained, over-energetic broad smile* Phyllis: Hi. *sits* At the lost band's table: Band guy: Dude, your too old, man. Sh*t, so, like - it wouldn't be you. You're kinda fired. Angus: *sad* Kit: Get yer mothaf*cking shabby asses out of my f*cking club, nitwits!!! And stay out!!! Angus: *flees* Back at the other table: Jenny: That vagina wig's gonna get it! Phyllis: I too understand the requirement and thirst for revenge. Too bad you can't humiliate her and question her integrity or her girlfriend's on top of that. Jenny: Hm... *why do we all cringe at the sound of Jenny thinking?* Heheheh. Staaaaalking... *yeah, that's why* Alice: You're SO right, Phyllis! I agree with you! Bette: *silently awaits doomsday while sipping her drink* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ In a dark room: Kit: Angus? Angus: Don't touch me! *rolls into fetal position* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The not-so-secret hideout of Max: Jenny: Could you find somebody if I asked you? Her name is Lindsey and, ehr,,, -she's my old friend from summer camp and we haven't met for like twentyfive years and I miss her so much. Well, I'm riting an article on hospitals, and she was once to a hospital, so... Max: I could do a computer search. *whine, whine, lifting weights* Jenny: *stares at him in that creepy way of hers* Max: ... you want me to do it NOW? *whiiiiine* Jenny: Yezzzzzzzzzzzz. *bounce, bounce* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Meanwhile, at the Haystack, ehm - The Planet: *music pumping, two women lick beer off one another, fooling around* Bette: Ehe, Phyllis, I'm so sorry. I have to apologi- Phyllis: WOOOOHOOOOOOO! TAKE IT ALL OFF!!! Bette: ... Phyllis: *starts whooping and dancing around* Alice: Go get 'em, Phyllis! Bette: *stunned* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ School day: Shane: So. Shay: ... Shane: G'wan. Shay: *walks up the stairs, looks back* Shane: *reassuring smile* *ah, the cuteness of these aloof siblings!* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Classroom: Bette: And I'll see u all next time, when- Nadia: Dean Porter, Dean Porter! *frantically waving her hand in the air* Bette: Yes, Nadia? Nadia: You wanted me to remind you to to assign everyone different topics! Bette: *annoyed* *everybody leaves* Phyllis: I wanted to thank you for the get-together last night, Bette. Bette: Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Phyllis: Oh yes! And I LOVED Alice! So vibrant! So lively! So young! You think she likes me??? Bette: *can't believe this is happening. complications, complications!* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 'The' Wax: Helena: Hello, The Wax! Shane: Just Wax. Helena: Sorry! Wax. What? Oh- No, I just don't know what that is. Uhm, no. Not that, either. Guy: Could u give me- Helena: Eek! Customer! Shane: Well, this is gonna be great... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The office of Dean Porter: Alice: Hiya! Nice artsy-fartsy place you've got here! I brought an office-warming gift. Bette: Alice! My boss has this crush on you, you had 'meaningful' eye contact, she totally wants to date you and worship at your feet and that farking SUCKS! You have no idea of on how many levels this could even begin to be remotely comlicated for me and- stop laughing! Alice: I'm irresistible! *giggle* Bette: This isn't funny, Alice! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mr Boss man's pool party: Mr Boss man: This batch is supposed to be cheeseburgers, 'k? Max: A-ight, a-ight! *whine* Brooke: Hi, Max! I'm glad you came! Max: Yeah, it was nice of your dad to invite me. Brooke: I invited you... c ya in a minute? *walks off* Max: Ok... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wax: Helena: *runs to phone* Hello? The Wax - I mean WAX. *to guy* Sorry? Aussie suit: Hi, I met you at Cherrie Jaffe's tacky beach mansion last week, and I think you'd look great in men's underwear. Wnat to make some money? Shane: ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Mr Boss man's pool party: Brooke: Max, come and play with me in the pool! Max: Nah, I'm content flipping burgers. Brooke: C'mon! Get this shirt off and get in the water! Max: Piss off!!! Ehr, I mean... I have an... ear... condition... from my days on the ladie..- on the swimming team in high school. Brooke: It's okay. Kiss me! Max: I'm crazy about you! *smooch* Brookes parents: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wax: Aussie suit: Nice quality, eh? We'll take some snapshots and mail them to mr Boss himself. Shane: Ehr, no thanks. Aussie suit: I'm legit, you know. Hugo Boss=BIG money. Shane: Not interested. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Back at the uni, Phyllis' office: Alice: Phyllis. Phyllis: Alice! Bette: Alice? Alice: We're dating now. Bette: *freaks* Alice: Yo, Phyl! Order dean Porter out on a date. Phyllis: Alas, academia is such a dull world if you don't have the pleasures on the side, Bette! *Al and Phyl leaves for their date* *Bette wonders if that was an order to f*ck her TA or not* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wax: Helena: *into the phone* I'm so sorry, it's my fault! if you- *to girls facing her* uhm, it's this... thingy... I think. Hold on! *into the phone* Wa- no, we don't deal with pipes whether they're half- or whole! What- *turns to the girls* Well, I think this is either a cellphone or wax or spray- I dunno anymore!!! *spills stuff over the counter* This is yours and, right... *hands 'em bags, picks up the phone* He hung up on me! Shane: Going bad? Helena: I'm a hideous receptionist! It's revolting how few tasks I can juggle in light of the fact that I was once a bloody executive! *heavy sigh* Shane: Hey, don't knock yourself down, Hell. There's a job out there for you. *silently* (Somewhere...) C'mon. Let's close shop for today. Shay, help me with the gate. *they walk out, Helena's miserable* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once again, at CAL: *Bette walks into her office* Bette: Oh, Nadia. Nadia: Hey, Bette! *BIG smile* "If I'm working, you're working!" That was what you said and what I'm doing! Bette: Ok... *looks at sketches n stuff* Hey, these are good. *surprised* You're talented! Nadia: *beams* *they accompany each other outdoors* Bette: Want a ride? It's on my way home, so- Nadia: Sure! *perkier than a bunny on Prozac* In the car: Nadia: *gets all epically sentimental, starts spurting cliches* Would it be wrong if I told you that I can't keep my eyes off of you? Bette: Yes. Nadia: Would it be wrong if I told you that you are the most intriguing person that I've ever met? Bette: Yup. Nadia: Would it be wrong if I told you that I have never wanted to kiss someone more than I want to kiss you right now? Bette: Well, it's been a season since I last had sex, so what the hell! *furious makeout session*

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