Season 4, Episode 2
LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA
aka. 'Little problems, big orgasms and new peeps'
Alice: Hm...
Shabby latina: I'm the one - the one you're been looking for!
Latino drag queen 1: I'm Papi!
Latino drag queen 2: I'm yer papi!
Latino drag queen 3: Me too!
Choir of latinos: I AM PAPI!!!
Alice: Rrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiight... *legs it, heads for emergency exit*
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In the house of unhealthy breakfast, ok, ok - Jenny's house:
Shane: Yo, is Gabe there? No? F*cking typical.
Max: No luck? I could do a freaky computer search just like a proper stalker!
Shane: Naw, btw. Max - Jenny broke up with you, nobody likes you-
L Word Fans: DAMN RIGHT!
Shane: -so how come you're still hanging around?
Max: Ehr- *looks like he has to do a computer search to verify that*
Jenny: Have you perhaps finally found the sire of the hell-spawn named Shay yet? Alas, poor Shane, we knew her well but now she's saddled w. a freakin' kid! *hisssss*
Shay: ... *runs off*
Shane: Way to go, baby ribs!
Jenny: Ooops?
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CAL campus:
Phyllis: This is your new hunting grou- ehr... work environment. And-
Student 1: Hi, Phyl!
Student 2: Good day, ms Kroll!
Student 3: Hello blond, omnipotent one!
Phyllis: Everybody loves me. Anyway, this season you're gonna raise money for lots of buildings and other crap wee need on campus. Like, styrofoam cups. Well, there's that and doing your job of course!
Bette: Styrofoam cups?
Phyllis: You can never get to many of those.
Bette: Uhm. Guess not. I could build a tower of cups, add mastix and red paint, blow it up w. firecrackers and call it 'protesting the phallistic concepts on The L Word'...
Phyllis: Change the world through art? Bah! Humbug! Well, well. Here we are, go interview your little art minions and find the proper TA.
Bette: Yay! I get to be Bossy Bette again!
Phyllis: Authority is cool.
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The tacky movie studio formerly known as Helena's hangout:
New boss: I'm evil, everything's crap and u all suck!
Tina: I've got Twisted Forest.
New boss: *sigh* He-ello; -TMI. Trim that bush after work hours, 'k?
Tina: Twisted Forest The Movie?
New boss: ... -Whoa, based on the probably VERY pretentious book written by that EXTREMELY reclusive unknown hermit woman? *like, totally giddy* Respect, grrl! *stonefaced* Now, go fire Helena.
Tina: But-
New boss: I am boss. My word is law.
Tina: 'K.
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Later, at the Planet:
Helena: I'm fired!?
Tina: Well, yeah. I think Aaron feels threatened by you or something.
Helena: But I'm poor and helpless!!!
Tina: Whatever. He's evil and I'm greedy. Sorry!
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Classroom:
Bette: Hard work, blood, sweat, tears, insomnia, strain, misery and no credit whatsoever. If you can handle that, I'll hire you ASAP.
Nadia: *note: Dean Porter's HOT*
Lame guy: *realizes that this is a lesbian show and that he won't get the job*
Bette: So, let's get down and busy with the interviews!
Extras: ...
*80% of the guys walks off the set*
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Meanwhile, back at the Planet:
Alice: Damn, compared to Shane and Papi I've slept with a ridiculously small amount of people. Hm, Do guys count?
Tina: Sure they do!
Alice: Whoa, been there, done that, not going back to Heteroville!
Tina: But-
Helena: *walks in w. Kit* I'm poor and miserable.
Kit: So am I, damn I needed a drink after that a-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t!
Helena: Gee, I've never had an abortion. Abortions must be a real pain to go through.
Kit: *gives Helena the evil eye*
Alice: Wow, somebody actually said the word! A-b-o-r-t-i-o-n.
Tina: Pain is having to share your daughter with another person!
Kit: *gives Tina the evil eye*
*and so does the others*
Tina: What? Hey, it wasn't my idea to go straight in the first place!
Shane: Hi, guys.
All grrls: SHANE!
Kit: Hey, Shay. Wanna sit here and eat during half this episode while we don't give a damn and gossip?
Shay: ...
Shane: So, Helena. U hate me or what?
Helena: I'm poor. Where's the liquor? *takes a stroll down the bar*
Shane: I'd like to make it up to Hell.
Alice: Got a Swiss bank account with a zillion bucks?
Shane: No.
Alice: Let's just sit here then, and enjoy one of those rare ensemble moments we used to have in s1 before Dana died.
Shane: *sits*
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Bette's new office:
Art dude: ...and I can tap dance too! Call me!
Bette: Next!
Nadia: *giggling like a lovestruck teenager*
Bette: And you are?
Nadia: I'm Nadia and I can namedrop one-thousand-five-hundred- and -twenty-twelve different obscure artists nobody's ever heard of! ----------------------------------------
Bette: Hm... sounds interesting.
Nadia: Are you an athlete? I love athletes! And those arm muscles...
Bette: Ehr-
Nadia: Sweat dripping, flexing, stretching... my old GF was a WWE wrestler, btw.
Bette: Really.
*awkward scene, slowly getting out of hand*
Nadia: So, can I be your TA?
Bette: You're a presumptuous one, aren't you? Well. C ya at eight tomorrow.
Nadia: *squeeeeel!*
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The crib of white middle-aged heterosexuality; Boss man's house:
RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
Max: Uhm. Flowers. *whine*
Later, by the pool:
Mr Boss man: Ah, isn't it lovely sitting here, being all nice and normative and privileged, meddling with the supposedly ideal coupling of our daughter?
Max: *waiting for the other shoe to drop any minute*
Mr Boss man: Here she is, our pride and joy! My little girl: Brooke!
Brooke: Hi dad and mom. Hi Wax.
Max: Max. Flowers.
Brooke: How sweet! Thanks, Wax!
Max: Reservations. Conservative restaurant.
Mr Boss man: Uhm, yeah. Brooke doesn't eat meat.
Brooke: Daddy! That was ages ago! *sudden flashback to college experimenting, tofu and hot grrls*
Max: Heh. So?
Mr Boss man: You crazy kids go and do whatever it is you do! *s* Bring her back before midnight!
Even later, at the restaurant:
Brooke: And so this girl was like molested and-
Max: -all the frat boys laughed, drank beer and humiliated her? And the girls did too, 'cuz they define themselves through male acceptance? Yeah. It's a gender issue thing. Bad, bad gender issues.
Brooke: Yer smart! I like you!
Max: I like you too. *nervous laugh*
And the darnedest of dates finally ends:
Brooke: *nervous giggle*
Max: *must.suck.face*
*tortuous heterosexual kissing*
*dad flashing porch lights*
Brooke: Teehee, oh daddy!
Max: I'll call you and be your daddy.
*more tortuous heterosexual kissing*
*furious flashing of porch lights*
Brooke: *giggle* Gotta go. Bye, daddy Max!
Max: I'm gonna think of you, like, five times a second! Bye, babe!
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Meanwhile, back at the bat cave... ehr, The Planet:
Bette: Well, f*ck Tina for being the model normative Ms. underling of commercial Hollywood capitalism!
*collective mumble, agreement*
Jenny: U know, Shane? I know a legal way to get rid of shrimp boy! Put him in school! With some luck there'll be a drive-by shooting or sumthin'!
Shane: ...
Kit: Well. School is the law. Law must be obeyed. Hey, Shay! Like the cake?
Shay: I'm gonna puke.
Shane: Bathroom's that way.
Shay: *stumbling off towards the stalls*
Helena: Hey, you should go with him!
Shane: Eh-
Bette: Hold his hair and stuff!
Shane: Uh- He's hairless, man!
Helena: It's a mom thing.
Alice: Just go, so we can finish the scene!
Shane: *follows Shay, mumbling: I'm no effin' mom*
Bette: She's SO not ready for this.
Alice: Well, at least she's off those drugs.
Bette: But the fans are gonna freak! No sex yet this season and the series' slut's gone f*cking celibate!
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Cheap bar:
Alice: *walks in, looks like she's been seriously conned*
*looks around* *leans over* Psst! Hey, ya know anyone called 'papi'?
Bartender: Over there.
*Alice looks*
Smirking guy: *looking all smart about himself*
Alice: O-okay. *escapes*
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Alice: Hello? Who? Papi? Whoa, look! A limo!
*big, burly guy* *says something*
Alice: *shriiiieeeek!* *mumble* Damn f*cking writers, this better be worth it! *enters the limo*
Papi: ...
Alice: Hey, we going or what?
Papi: You wanted to see me? Let's roll.
Alice: Hey! I've read this in a Xena uber fic!
*limo takes off*
Later, at a restaurant:
Papi: Hola, everybody!
Everybody: Hola, Papi!
Alice: Wow, they all kinda know you, huh?
Papi: Some do, some just want to. Speak.
Alice: Can I tape this?
Papi: *shrug* Whatever.
Alice: Ok, so... Papi.
Papi: It's pronounced Pappi.
Alice: Ok. Pappi. So, how do you do what you do and stuff?
Papi: I like women, they like me, I like you, wanna fuck?
Alice: Oh, Papi!
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The Planet:
Stacey the journalist: So I'm from Curve.
Jenny: I know you're from Curve. I read your article in Curve while I was skimming through Curve and thought 'wow, this journalist on Curve should interview me' when Curve contacts me about being in Curve.
Stacey: Right. Wanna go ahead w the whole question thingy?
Jenny: Ask away, oh woman from Curve!
Stacey: So, you don't want to be labelled as anything?
Jenny: Everything's relative.
Stacey: I'm dykeish and Jewish.
Jenny: Hey! I'm Jewish too! Let's start a club!
Stacey: Let's. My gf is a survivor.
*heavy, VERY serious silence*
Jenny: We've bonded. Ask away!
Stacey: So, you hate your parents or what?
Jenny: No. They just made my life a living hell and made me this dysfunctional selfish bitch with relationship issues. Oh, I feel so safe with you!
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Limo:
Alice: Nice backseat.
Papi: I'm gonna take you places you've never been before!
Alice: ???
Papi: Say my name, bitch!
Alice: Oh Papi!
Papi: *lick, lick, lick* *suck, suck, suck*
Alice: Circles! Circles! Circles!
L Word Fans: FINALLY! A sex scene!!! *opens up bottles of Champagne*
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At the tasteful home of Bette 'Dean' Porter:
Bette *works*
Kit: Damn, girl! You're working so much I hardly see ya, sis.
Bette: What's up?
Kit: I want a hug.
Bette: Okay. Spill it.
Kit: I feel guilty, I mean... Angus is devastated! He doesn't say anything, but I know! He's sooo saaaaaad... *sniff*
Bette: It's ok being sad, Kit.
Kit: *BAWL*
*big, nice sisterly hug*
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Next day, on the street outside Alice's apartment:
Alice: It was nice, Papi. I really like it, Papi. Wanna have breakfast, Papi?
Papi: Papi doesn't do breakfast.
Alice: Ok. *walks up to Helena, who's ready to skip off on her morning run* Hey, Helena. I was working. You know. All night. Yeah.
Helena: *cough* Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... *jogs off*
Papi: How're YA doin'?
Helena: *stops* Teehee!
Alice: *amused smile* *shakes her head*
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The house of women scorned, aka. Jenny's house:
Max: ...and so it's really weird dating her, it's like she's a girl and I'm a boy but I'm not yet, and-
Jenny: Where is it, where is it?
Max: What? *whine, whine*
Jenny: Curve article, Stacey the journalist said it would be here.
Max: Uh, I thought we'd agreed I should read them first to scan for unpleasantries? *whine*
Jenny: No need, lover boy. It's a LESBIAN thing; we've gayly bonded over our Jewish heritage and strawberry cheesecake.
Max: ... (*whine*)
Jenny: GAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! YOU'RE A F*CKING C*NT, STACEY MERKIN! I'll stalk your ass, steal your gf and paint your house slime green!!!
Shay: *drops milk* !?!????
Max: What? *whine, whine*
Shane: WTFs up!?
Jenny: Stacey Merkin's a f*cking m*ff-sucking c*nt of a c*ck-sh*ittin' b*tch!
Shane: Jenny! *points to Shay* Kid in the house, hellooo!?!?
Shay: *dumbfounded look*
Shane: No effin swear words, aight?
Jenny: Ok.
Shane: Ok.
Max: ...
Jenny: Shay, say Stacey Merkin is a f*cking c*nt! Say Stacey Merkin's a f-
Shay: ...
Shane: STFU, you disgruntled little dystopic freak!!! Shay, c'mere! *takes off for work*
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Uni hall:
Nadia: Dean! Dean! Dean! YO, BOSSY BETTE!!!
Bette: I'm listening.
Nadia: *drags Bette to a bench, sits down*
Bette: ?
Nadia: Look, this is the Little Nemo concept! This is you, the brave dreamer- *'accidently' brushing Bette*
Bette: Hm. Naw, make it a boy to please the self centered middle aged men in the board and paint a football field in the bkg.
Nadia: *giggle* Oh, you're so SMART, Dean Porter! And BRAVE! And CLEVER! *'accidently' brushing up against Bette again*
*and again*
*and AGAIN*
Bette: Yeah, yeah, I'm great. So, make those changes and-
Nadia: Can I call you Bette?
Preston: Hey, Bette! I see you've been getting friendly with your cute TA, huh? Remember to spank her if she's been a bad girl! *BG*
Bette: Nadia, you may call me DEAN Porter. Lets keep it formal, huh?
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Wax:
Shay: *skateboarding*
Shane: Assistant! Martha! Get my little brother a smoothie! No, a slurpy! No, a latte! No, a coke - the kid version w cola and not the white powder...
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The office of many different wooden panels:
Phyllis: How're you fitting in? Everything ok? The money plea's coming together fine?
Bette: Actually I think it's gonna be a very rewarding for us to upgrade our arts dep-
Phyllis: Oh, Bette! I can't hold this inside me anymore! I'm gay!
Bette: ...
Phyllis: For 23 years I've been denying this magnificient feeling of undying and monumental love I felt for my college roommate!
Bette: Want the number to my therapist?
Phyllis: No! I need a woman! But thanks, anyway. Can I talk to you about all my candid emotions?
Bette: Ehr... sure.
Phyllis: Thanks! Is it too late for me to enter the world of lesbianism, Bette?
Bette: Well, you know what they say: better late than never!
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Office of Curve Magazine:
Jenny: Where is she!!! Where is that sly cajoling bitch who made me bare my entire soul in all its eviscerated glory!
Receptionist: Who?
Jenny: Stacey Merkin, that odour of filth disgracing your halls of commercial gay press! WHERE IS SHE!!!???
Receptionist: She's never here, doesn't have an office.
Jenny: I'll throttle you, I swear!!
L Word Fans: *LOL!*
Receptionist: Look, she's not here.
Jenny: I'm gonna make you see the light, infidel!!! Type in the addy to Publisher's Weekly and read their rave review of my book! I'm an effin GODDESS of writing!
L Word Fans: *ROTFLMFAO!!!*
Receptionist: ...
Jenny: And her f*cking name means VAGINA WIG! Take that, stupid wig!!! HAH! *disturbingly mad cackling* *storms off*
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Over at Wax:
Shay: *spills smoothie*
Shane: Sh*t. Eh, Martha? Get me a mop!
Assistant: *applying lots of lip gloss, entranced by her own mirror image*
Wax dude: My dye! It was my special blend, like - totally unique!
Shay: *runs away*
Shane: Martha? Martha. MARTHA! Quit looking at yourself in the mirror and get my brother back in here!
Assistant: He left.
Shane: WTF!!??!! He's nine, you moron! Take that mirror, the lip gloss and f*cking disappear!!!
Assistant: Whatever.
Shane: F*CK! F*CK! F*CK!!!
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The search for the holy Shay:
Shane: You guys go that way and I go this way, 'k?
Alice: No worries, buddy! We'll find him!
Bette: We'll leave no stone unturned!
Five steps to the right:
Max: You there, young man! Have you seen a small boy-
Jenny: -with dark hair, grey sweatshirt, kinda looks like a miniature dyke?
Skateboarder: Nope.
In a truck, on the road:
Trucker: So. You've run away?
Shay: ...
Trucker: How old are you?
Shay: I'm gonna be ten soon.
Trucker: D'ya know what happens to little boys when they run away from home?
*hits the brakes, and everybody goes like 'oh, sh*t!'*
Trucker: *gets out, lifts Shay*
Shane: *runs from car to Shay* Don't EVER run away again!
Shay: ...
Trucker: You're lucky I wasn't some perv, lady.
Shane: Yeah, thanks. Back to the drama: -Where did you think you were gonna go?
Shay: Home.
Shane: I'm home now. 'K?
Shay: *nods*
*sentimental, tear-drippingly cute hug*
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On a bench in the midst of darkness:
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzt!
Alice: Hello? You found him? Sweet!
Bette: Whew! That's great!
*precious moment of friendship, Bette resting her head on Alice's shoulder*
Bette: Hey, isn't that Helena? And-
Alice: -Papi. The elusive stereotypical latina player now found and introduced into the storyline.
Helena: *straightens clothes* So, wanna come over to my place for a nightcap?
Papi: Papi doesn't do nightcap. Papi doesn't do roomies. Papi doesn't-
Helena: Yeah, yeah. We get the picture...
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