Season 4, Episode 1
LEGEND IN THE MAKING
aka. 'Lovely mess, these relationships'
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Canada:
The L Word peeps: (into phone) Bette, come back w. Angelica! We love you and support you!!!
Tina: *storms in* Bette, come back or I'll f*cking kill you! I hate you and will sue you!!!
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A diner in the middle of... somewhere:
Bette: (to Angelica) Here ya go, giggly-bubbly-boo-cutie-pie! (into phone) F*CK HER, SHE SUCKS! PUN F*CKING INTENDED! *click* (to Angelica) Are you dripping, little cutsie-bug, mamas lovely little- *ring* *slips into full Bossy Bette-mode* (into phone) What the f- oh, yes I'll be there to start my new and important job. *click* And somebody; get me a f*cking sippy cup!!!
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Shane: *suffering at the CTBM*
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The airport:
Alice: See if there's a bag over there with a smiling cunt on a neon pin anywhere, will ya?
Helena: Porter! Limo! Pronto!
Alice: Ehr... hate to break it to ya, Hell... -you'll be a broke, bare-scraped, white trash wannabe if you keep going like that. Where's your sense of economy?
Helena: Accountant!
Alice: O-okaaaaay... we'll have to work with that... c'mere.
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At the house of ever-impending Doom (aka Jenny's house):
Max: I've been a jerk. *whine, whine*
Jenny: No kidding.
Max: Wanna be my girlfriend? *whine, whine*
Jenny: I'm a big scary lesbo, get it!?
Max: Lesbo, yes. Scary, most definitely. *whine, whine*
Jenny: Let's just end this and get it over with?
Max: Best thing I've heard all year.
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Bette's shabby little hideaway :
Kit: I know you're in there, Bette! Let me in and nevermind how I found you; this show's dang tradition is discontinuity! Baby sis! Open up!
Bette: *freaks*
Kit: Angus, take a hike.
Angus: *looking like a lost puppy*
Kit: Scram? *runs over to bush and hurls*
Angus: Manny wants kissy! *kiss* Mmmm! There's nothin' like the taste of morning sickness!
*car drives off, Kit's alone on the curb, a hand pulls the curtains back -cue OST from Psycho...*
Kit: Cut the Psycho crap, Bette! You need to see yer lawyer, baby sis! NOW!
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The former castle of decadence :
Lawyer dude: I've sold your house, your stocks 'n' bonds, your accessories, the better part of your wardrobe... -oh; and your mother (whoconvenientlyranofftoaprivateislandtoindulgeinhernewlesbianlover) sold the movie studio! ----------------------------------------
Helena: *hands him a glass*
Lawyer dude: I'll fetch the bottle.
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The Planet:
Helena: I'm poooooooooooooor! *steals stuff from the table*
Alice: Well, finally that sunk in! Come and stay with me, you may not be able to wallow in luxury, but I'll help you sort out the knack of being a commoner like us other mortals.
Helena: I'm feeling all fuzzy and warm inside!
Alice: You'd better not morph into a friggin carebear...
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Shane: *still suffering at the CTBM*
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Meanwhile, back at The Planet:
Jenny: I have a book signing!
Helena: I'm poor.
Alice: Check this out, we transferred the chart OL. Click a person to see their shag-counter ticking. Now you can be transfixed by this and never walk outside the house again, like all other pennyless bums.
Helena: Cool.
*clicketiclicketiclicketiclick*
Alice: So, everything ok?
Jenny: People actually love my pretentious shit! I'm in heaven!!!
Helena: Hey! Someone's outdone Shane!
Alice and Jenny: NOWAY!!!!!!!!!!
Helena: 1151, 1152, 1153...
Alice: Is she having a f*cking foursome or something?!???
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Boring office:
Mr Boss-Man: Max, I see you're heartbroken. Good, that false girl was a disaster waiting to happen, with a dark and hidden agenda! You might've thought she walked around with a second personality jammed in there somewhere. SO! Wanna date my daughter?
Max: ...
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In the lawyer's office:
Bette: Hypocritical bitch of white heterosexual middleclass normativity, give me my f*cking daughter!
Tina: Hypocritical bitch queen of biracial homonormative minorities, give me my f*cking daughter!
Joyce: Calm down, ye queens of dyke drama! Btw, I don't care what mental media circus and prejudice you put your daughter through, just give me my f*cking money.
The Fans: F*cking writers! Give us our TiBette!!!
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Over at Max's support group:
Max: Could anybody hook me up with a good doc? I've gotten my T the baaaad way.
Trans dudes: Oki, and how much have you been using, for how long, etc.
Max: *tells them*
Trans dudes: MAN! You could kill an elephant with that dose! Got any friends left???
Max: Ehr... (whaddaya call an ex-GF and her circle of pretentious buddies...) Sure! Lots of 'em!
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Later, in the house of Doom:
Max: Who would've thought so much T in a body could make you f*cking flip???
Jenny: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Good for you.
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
Claude: Bon soir, my petite amoureux vilain lesbienne lover!
Jenny: Let's f*ck on the floor, I've set the plates!
Max: Uhm, straight guy still in the room?...
*furious makeout session*
Max: *awkward*
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Bette's crib:
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*
Angus: Hi, mama T. You take Angelica for a few days, then I pick her up on Wednesday for transport back to mama B.
Tina: But my work!?? You're the manny - act like it!
Angus: Well, u'know, being the baby sister of my GF has its perks. Did you honestly think I wouldn't side with mama B? Hellllloooooo? No sex for like a decade!?
Henry: My boring nanny can look after both little Mikey and little Angie. Come on Tiny, let's go.
Kit: Bye, bye, Angelica!
Bette: *trying awkwardly to be nice*
Tina: *dito* (turns around to walk out)
Bette: *throws Henry the look of death*
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In the radio studio (did Alice get her job back!!???):
Alice: (into a mic) ...1377, 1378, 1379... Who the hell are you, Papi!? Where are you!?? (And how come you've never fucked ME!!!???) Call me!
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Shane: *suffering at the CTBM* *can't find car keys* *runs off in suga-mama's car*
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Meanwhile, at the utmost creepy Health Center:
Kit: Bye, Angus. C ya after the a-p-p-o-i-n-t-m-e-n-t!
Angus: Wait! I'm not done kissing your puke yet!!!
*Kit walks through the door*
*anti-everything woman ATTACKS!*
*Kit r-u-n-s out the door*
Kit: You friggin psychos! I'll burn your clinic down! Come, Angus.
Angus: 'K, Kit.
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Casa del Carmen:
Shane: CARMEN! CARMEN! I need to see Carmen and- *gets beat up by ex-GF's beefy cousins*
Beefy Cousins: Scram, u deadbeat!!!
Shane: *drives off* *buys liquor: don't drink and drive, kids!* *crashes car* *leaves car* *limping like a zombie towards home*
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The house of Doom... ehr, yeah, yeah -Jenny's house:
Max: Jenny! It's time to go get ready for that book signing you've pestered us all about every damn minute the last week! Oh, shit...
*Bondage Light TM*
Claude: We should get rrrrrreadie, mon cheri!
Jenny: *giggle, giggle* I'm coming! I'M COMING!
Max: *awkward*
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Over at The Planet:
Kit: *setting up chairs* Wanna burn clinic down?
Bette: Arson! Arson!
Alice: Calm down and lets organize some bullshit charity event or something else flimsy we always do instead.
Helena: I'll get the drinks.
Tina: Helena! You've been avoiding me!
Helena: Never!
Tina: Do I have the heterosexual cooties or something?
Helena: Never!
Henry: Hi, Helena!
Helena: On the other hand... *cracks snarky comment and escapes*
Kit: *makes this looong and fully fleshed out speech about what a FABULOUS and BEAUTIFUL and TALENTED and PERFECT person the crowd's gonna meet. I dunno who she means, but it sure ain't Jenny...*
*door rattle* (...oh, I know: it must be Marina!)
*Marina-the-party-crasher-with-style walks in, drinking in all the attention*
Marina: Please, please! Let me answer all your questions! I'm in town for three days, business, staying at the Bel-Air and all willing applicants may form a line if you seek to sexually please me! And btw, for what it's worth, there's my s1 fling Jeni Schecter.
Rabid Marina Fans: We love you Marina!!!
Jenny: ...
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Later:
Marina: I'm proooud of you, Jeni. *tease, tease*
Jenny: Ok.
Marina: Wanna come see my dance troupe's premiere? *tease, tease* *flirt, flirt*
Jenny: Naw.
Marina: Au revoir, arrividerci, so long, farewell, auf wiedersen, goodbye! *wink*
Claude: Let's have sex with her!
Jenny: No.
Claude: Pretty pleaze with ze zzzzugarrr on top!???????
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Yet even LATER, in Marina's luxurious hotel room:
Marina: *clearly doing her foreign allure thang, looking gorgeous as usual*
Jenny: ...
Claude: Ma fille, let's f*ck! *kisses Jenny*
Marina: Bah, boooring.
Claude: *kisses marina*
Marina: *Join me, Jenny, and we will rule the Dykeverse like suger-mama and slut!* *Lure, Lure*
Jenny: I'm gonna go check some reviews. You guys just do the sex thing, 'k?
*they do*
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The house where you dump kids on the doorstep... Jenny's house:
Shane: *comes home* Ehr, Carla?
Carla: Damn assholes, u and yer shit-faced dad! I left you a prezzie on the back porge!
Shane: Wtf?
Carla: Piss off! *storms off*
Shane: *pops open can of beer, discovers young sibling pup Shay on back porge* WTF! WTF!! WTFFFFFFFF!!!!!!! Damn! I'm a MOM!!!
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